Senior Stick-in-the-Mud

Smarty has an over-abundance of skilled, cheerful, hard-working employees who get along and have fun together.  To shake things up, we’re on the hunt for a new employee with strong skills in negativity, poor performance and mediocre productivity. This individual will help us align our culture with more typical companies who enjoy a combination of both high and low-performing employees. In this role, you will work to decrease productivity and morale, increase employee turnover rates, and help foster a negative environment that others dread to work in. (If this position isn’t right for you, please check out one of our other open positions.)

Responsibilities

• Lack of punctuality is critical. Set the bar low for others by showing up late and leaving early.
• Emphasize others’ faults and downplay their strengths so you look good in comparison. Remember that your success is directly proportional to others’ failures.
• Spend hours each day messaging friends, playing video games, and browsing social media. Act thoroughly annoyed if someone interrupts you with a work-related question or task.
• Effectively pass the blame for problems to others. Nothing should ever be your fault, especially if it falls directly within your area of responsibility.
• Occasionally, you will be required to do actual work. When this cannot be avoided, you are expected to complain loudly, take an unreasonable amount of time to produce exceptionally mediocre results, and then brag about what you accomplished.
• Avoid personal growth at all costs. Remember that growth is an indication that you aren’t already perfect.

Requirements

• Must have been fired from a minimum of three jobs, each of which was your employer’s fault.
• Ability to frequently miss work and give little or no notice to your coworkers is required.
• Must NOT be proactive, motivated, ambitious, punctual, rational, or innovative (bonus points if you don’t even know what those words mean).
• Inability to collaborate with others or see things from their perspective.
• Highly argumentative. Must be capable of defending your position without supporting facts, and have substantial experience hurling personal insults at those who disagree with you.
• Poor hygiene and lack of social skills are strongly recommended.
• Por speling an grammer is prefferd
• Education of all forms (either formal or self-taught) is strongly discouraged.

Not a good fit? Apply for one of our other open positions.